25 Year Old Virgin

 

  It’s been almost a year and a half now that I have been back home and serving in the church I grew up in. During it all God has been showing me some amazing things and giving me great opportunities for growth. One amazing thing He has done is connect me closely with two women who are passionate about Him and love me dearly. Through talking with them constantly, (literally, constantly. Lol.), and hearing how they speak about purity God has changed my perspective on a lot of things.

     A while back I shared my testimony about dealing with a sexual addiction. Every detail is true. I was that person. I was addicted to sexual activity and I allowed it lead to me into some dark places and unimaginable situations. Yet through all of that God preserved me. I am turning 25 in a month and I am a virgin.

     Some people know that I’ve never had sex. Too many applaud me in these efforts as though I somehow maintained my virginity on my own account. Since I did not make this vow of abstinence before or even after I got saved I have felt flat out guilty. Guilty. I have carried guilt with me every time someone tries to congratulate me or say they look up to me for not giving in to temptation. But here is the 100% truth: I gave in. I have a long history of giving in. Because of that long history God saw fit not to allow me into a situation where I would compromise the gift of my virginity.

     Yes, gift. Why do you think men in the past and even in the present have had to pay a bride price? What do you think a dowry is? Oh, I know. You think it is slavery. You think fathers basically sold their daughters for money. You may be right. Some of them very well did. But, did you ever think it through, though? How valuable and precious a virgin has been over centuries that any man had to pay a price for her? Remember a time when marrying someone who was not a virgin was repugnant and a social injustice? In current times, women and men alike carry it like a curse when it is the most beautiful blessing of all. And I’m guilty of it first. I can’t tell you a day where I felt honored and anointed to be a virgin. I have mostly felt ashamed and naïve. I have felt I was seen as immature for not experiencing sex outside of marriage. I have felt left out on some things.

      I have also felt like people don’t understand the nature of sexuality. My sexuality was awakened at a very young age; and having not had sexual intercourse does not constitute me as pure, clean, or ignorant when it comes to sexual content. That’s why I know I was addicted even though I hadn’t had the sex; I was addicted to the idea and to all the beginning stages. Let me break it down to you like this, masturbation, mutual and otherwise, is sex. Oral sex, it sex, it actually has the word sex in it. All of you who have had Intercourse can combat me and debate me all you want, and it is true that you have experienced something that I have not, but please do not discredit my struggle because of the language of it. You weren’t there.

     Part of me still wants to scream and demand that people please stop calling me a virgin. Because there is so much more to purity than not have sex with another person. I want people to understand that. I want people to get it. I want people to stop assuming that I’m some perfect, pure, untouched angel because I’ve never gone all the way. The truth is I’ve gotten close. The truth is it didn’t take for me to go all the way to understand that sex took me to a dark place that suffocated me with lust until I couldn’t function without it.

     Another part of me wants people to understand that just because you don’t do the act of sexual intercourse doesn’t meant that you have not committed a sin against your own body. That’s why the Bible calls it sexual immortality and fornication instead of just sex. There is so much tied to it all and not just to the act of sex. Please hear me when I say this, you are living your life by a lie if you think you can do everything but penetrate and God is okay with that. That is a perverted version of the truth. Please come out from among that and be free.

     I, having never had sexual intercourse, was bound by lust until one day when I just knew I was over it. Over the struggle. Over the back and forth. Just over SIN and its DESTRUCTION. Sin was RUINING my life. Walking in defeat was overshadowing everything. I was drowning. It was keeping me from my purpose, so I repented, maybe for the very first time, and I told God I was done. I told Him I was done with sin and its stronghold on my life. I haven’t slipped since.

     It is still a struggle for me to accept that I’m a virgin. It really doesn’t make sense. It boggles my mind that I can carry such an honorable title with all the junk I’ve done, all the horrible things I’ve done. I asked God if I’m just supposed to forget it all. His response: “I did.”

He did. He forgot. My sins have already been paid for and are covered under the blood of His only Son. God did that. He covered me. He covered you. No matter what your situation, know that there is redemption in the cross. Don't wallow in your guilt any longer. Come out of it with me. Accept that the price was paid and stop trying to pay it yourself.

I finally, at 25 years old, can say I'm free of that guilt. I'm free!!! I am finally happy and glad to be a virgin because I know God kept me because He loves me. And even when I mess up I know and believe I am forgiven. 

     I’m asking that we pray together as we work towards forgiving ourselves for our trespasses towards God and some of his people. I’m asking that if you see me, remind me that my sin has been cast away as far as the east is from the west and I will do the same for you. Remind me of grace; because grace is the only thing keeping us from sin, it is the power to stay pure, it is the power to say no to ungodliness.