Compromise

I am so sick of compromise in my life and in the lives of those in the Body of Christ. WE are letting the world's ideologies penetrate the church and our hearts. Your emotions are a CRUEL master. If you don't learn to allow Jesus to be Lord of your life instead of how you FEEL you will END UP in a place, in a marriage, in a career that isn't God's best.

It is disheartening to see men and women in the church fall victim to the same statistics as those in the world. We are not living to our full potential. Why? Because of how we feel. We are so consumed about how we feel about each other. Or how we feel about what the Bible says than what it actually says! And it SUCKS because we live in a culture that is CONSTANTLY and CONSISTENTLY telling us to live by how we feel instead of by what we KNOW to be TRUTH.

Make a stand with me. I am from now own choosing truth in my own life. I refuse to forfeit God's best for my life on earth for trash. I refuse. NO MORE COMPROMISE.

Live above reproach.

What My Reader Response Paper Turned Into: GRACE

The grace of God is like reader response criticism. It is so simple, yet it is so complex. Within reader response we tend to lean extremely right or extremely left. Either reader response is completely open ended, do what you want, it’s all about what the reader thinks, believes and understands; or reader response can take a completely new criticism pendulum swing that is very structured and one hundred percent text defined where the reader does not matter and everything needed to interpret a text is within that text.

The grace of God is similar in that we tend to swing the pendulum too far right or too far left. Either we are all about where sin abounds, grace abounds, therefore who cares what we do, think, or say?! God’s grace will cover us! Or we are misconstrued about grace somehow thinking that we earn it in some way, though the Bible does not support that.

Here’s where I am with grace: every time I think I get it, I don’t. God is CONSTANTLY renewing my mind on what I think grace to be. And He has to, but the world is constantly working to destroy what He has made new.

When I was struggling with sex addiction, or as Dr. Hill called it, sex seduction, I fell several times in about a two week period. Two things happened to me concerning grace. First, I could not, would not believe that God could forgive me. It was not that He would not, but that He could not. Shame was all over my face, I could not stand to look at God because I just knew He wanted to forgive me, but He could not, because I could not conquer the sin in my life. As a result of my shame, I did not seek God for forgiveness and thus cut off my source of life, therefore I had to keep sinning because sex was again my source of life. Except it did not give me life. It only produced death in me. I did not deserve grace. Even if God was ready and willing to give it to me, I did not know how to receive it.

Finally, I prayed for forgiveness. Overcoming my shame, I asked God to forgive me in an odd way. I lay in bed, flowing tears, peeling layers of chipped paint off of my wall as He was pulling layers of brokenness off of my heart. I saw what was happening. The enemy was trying to destroy me, and I was playing along. I asked God to forgive me, and I believe that He did; but it was not long before my longing for intimacy hit once again and I was back in the same situation as before. As this cycle continued, God’s grace became like a credit card to me and I was just about maxed out in my head. I kept buying things that I did not need and going to Him to pay it off. Grace became overrated very quickly and I did not understand how to break the cycle.

God has healed me of my sexual issues. But grace keeps coming up. What is it? How do I understand it once and for all? Will I ever totally grasp it? Is it okay if I don’t?

All my life I have been taught to clean up my own messes. You make a mess, clean it up. It has been drilled into me because I am famed at home for not cleaning up my messes. I would cook and leave the dishes dirty. I would do some craft in the living room and leave things out everywhere. In July of 2003 I was thirteen and had my first asthma attack. I threw up all over the kitchen floor and before my mom would take me to the hospital she made me clean it up. So, it makes no sense to me as to why I could do something wrong, stupid, out of line and completely punishable but God cleans up my mess for me. Why is that okay? How am I supposed to accept that?

The grace of God empowers us to say NO to ungodliness. Once I understood this concept, I began to understand grace. Grace is not just about forgiveness. Grace gives us the power to never sin again. You are free. So stop thinking and living like a slave.

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope-the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. Titus 2:11-13

Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to Him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. Romans 6:13-14

{ACTUALLY, just read ALL of Romans 6 =)}

How I Found Out How Much I Need Jesus EVERYDAY

Before I gave my like fully to Jesus it was everything in me to make it through some days in my own strength. Because I came to know Jesus at a young age, I always knew He was there for me. But I kind of treated Him like 911. When I just couldn't figure it out on my own, I would call Him in for emotional emergencies. Like when I was about to fail my second semester of freshman English. Or when I found myself in the midst of a sorority that I couldn't sort my way through or when life just became too much to handle in my teen years.

When I started walking with God legit everyday, it was a continual process to not do things on my own. That's just what I always did. Out of pride, fear, hurt I had a mentality that I had to do it all on my own because no one else would. And that God was there to help me when I couldn't do it anymore.

I truly believed that any sign of weakness was not okay. I was a leader. People would not follow me if I showed weakness in any form including, but not limited to, crying, failure of any kind, emotions of any kind whether they be happy or sad. I was assured that I had to be STRONG and being STRONG meant hiding and hoarding every emotion inside me. And once I was strong God could really use me.

I was wrong.

In my twenties, all three years of them, I'm learning that I need Jesus EVERYDAY. Not just in a crisis. And He is not burdened to be needed by me all the time! I had NO IDEA!!! I was trained not to need anyone ever. That's our parents' jobs, right? To teach us to be responsible self sufficient adults. But even my God-fearing mother left out depending on my heavenly Father. That God's grace and strength is made perfect in my weakness!!! Have you been allowing God's strength to be made perfect in your weakness? I have not. Because everyday I have refused to be weak even before Jesus. Hoping that the time I spent with Him yesterday or at church will sustain me. Or the scriptures that I know. Or my knowledge about God instead of God Himself.

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDD JESUS because VENTURA is not about this sustaining new life thing on her own. I barely got by in my old life. In fact, I didn't get by. That's why I needed a new life cause I messed that one up so bad! Lol. Just saying. We all NEED the Lord more than we are willing to admit.

So I URGE you to EMBRACE your weaknesses EVERYDAY!!! Because when we are WEAK that is when Jesus is at His fullness in us.

YAY WEAKNESS!!!!

1.18.2012

I found this on my laptop that I wrote over a year ago! I finished it up and decided to share.  

As I walk through the campus of Stephen F. Austin State University I breathe in the peace that I so missed. I never thought I would be back here. Not just here, at SFA, but here, in this peace and joy. I finally found where I belong.

It may sound odd that I would feel the peace of God walking through such a secular campus, but I do. I feel God here with me. All of a sudden, trotting through campus all on my own, eating lunch all on my own, sitting at Starbucks all on my own, I am majestically aware of the fact that God really is with me. Everywhere I go. Wherever I go. He is right here. I’m never alone.

I was reading Captivating this morning and John Eldredge shared an amazing revelation he had in the midst of a deep group conversation with the men and women of his ministry. The women who lead his ministry, who are amazing women of faith, who spend time with God regularly, who lead other women into divine romances with Jesus, who are in fulfilling relationships with their husbands and other women confessed that they feel all alone in life. This is the attack of the enemy on women today. He wants to convince us that we are all alone in this. John said the enemy wants to convince us that no one will ever come for us.

This hit my heart like a boulder. He said to ask ourselves have ever or do we currently feel that way. As I asked myself this question, I kept getting a ‘no’. Then I felt like that was such a cookie cutter answer. But it is my answer. It is my answer now. But oh have I felt like that in the past. In fact, I was so convinced that my prince would never come that I settled not to get married altogether. Expectations are the root of all disappointment, so I deleted my expectation for a husband. I had convinced myself that I was satisfied with Jesus. I didn’t even want a husband much less need one.

In reality, I was crying out on the inside. The enemy had fed me lies through my wounds and experiences. I didn’t believe I was beautiful. I didn’t believe I was good enough. I didn’t believe anyone would ever want me. My own father didn’t want me, so why would any man?

This all came to light on the morning that followed the second dream in a month I had about my wedding. On top of that, I woke up and this man was on my brain and I could not stop thinking about him. When I prayed, I felt like God was telling me this man was my husband. I called my spiritual leader, who didn’t have time to meet with me for five days, so I was stuck with thinking this thing and no clue what to do. Eventually I began to accept the lie as truth because of signs I prayed for that appeared. When I finally met with my leader, she called out the lie, but I didn’t believe her. (That’s a whole different lesson on spiritual authority)

Therefore, I went three entire months believing that this man was my husband and God was preparing me for a relationship with him. Thank God for his grace during the time I was deceived. This was a season where I was forced to confront issues in my life that I had never even thought about. Such as being good enough for a man, a great man who was leading a ministry and pursing God with unrelenting passion. How could I ever be good enough for anyone, but him? I was dumbfounded as to why God would match me with someone so great. I was not amazed at God’s goodness; I was ashamed that I was not good enough.

I was already spending consistent time with God, but at this point I became militant. I had to get good enough in time. I had to work out my issues in time. I had to get pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, godly enough before I was exposed as the ugly woman I believed I really was.

God revealed to me that I didn’t think I was beautiful. I knew that God thought I was beautiful, that my family and friends thought so, that the women I ministered to even believed it; but I didn’t. It was one of those “Well of course God thinks I’m beautiful, He made me!” type situations. I loved that God called me beautiful; but I couldn’t imagine a human male delighting in me. I was afraid my husband wouldn’t think I was beautiful.

So I prayed and I read the Bible and I read and reread Captivating until God showed me the root of my insecurity.

I was nine years old when I first met my cousins who lived in a different state. They came to visit and played a lot with my brother and I while they were down. Once we were in the bedroom hanging out and the boy, who was maybe my age or a little older, and I pretended to be boyfriend and girlfriend. He then suggested that we have sex. Where he got the idea, I have no clue, but even at nine years old it was not a foreign concept to me. I was reluctant; but once he assured me that I would be beautiful if I did it I consented.

He got on top of me between my legs. I was pretty scared, but I wanted so badly to be beautiful. Once I felt his pelvis against mine, I quickly came to my senses and pushed him away. He yelled at me calling me ugly. He said I was a beast and no boy would ever want me.

I had no clue the effect that lie had on me, or that I even believed it. But I did. I carried that lie with me for the rest of my life believing that no guy would think I was beautiful. No one would ever want me. And it proved true time and time again. My father left shortly after that. He didn’t want me. Every guy that I ever loved didn’t love me back. I fell in love with my best friend; he fell in love with everyone but me. I fell in love with another boy in high school, he not only didn’t want me -- he hated me. I was desperate for love, desperate for attention, desperate for my question to be answered “yes” but all I ever got was a cold, hard “No.”

While going through this I decided to delve into the issue of beauty. Why is this a big deal? Why do I even care? Because I had a beauty to unveil and every time I let it out, I was horribly rejected. It seemed that the lie my cousin fed to me was true time and time again. It continued to be reinforced in my life and it was killing who God created me to be. I was afraid: afraid that I wasn’t beautiful and afraid that it would be exposed.

But God.

I can’t tell you how, and I can’t tell you when. But I do know that in the presence of God is where my beauty was affirmed, confirmed and released. I always thought I would have to hear a man tell me I was beautiful for it to really click. But when I was at a women’s retreat on Identity with my church is when God solidified my beautiful identity in Him. All of a sudden I knew I was beautiful within the depths of my soul. So that when my brothers in Christ started to confirm it with their words, I received it as that. A confirmation. Not a verdict.

If you are feeling ugly. If you have a story like mine. If you don’t know that you ARE beautiful, I plead with you to seek the face of God. The more you see of Him the more you will realize how made in His image you really are. I pray that God will show each of you how you are a part of His precious heart on this earth. And what is more beautiful than the heart of God?

The Heart of the Matter: Service

Have you ever been at friend’s house who was a man and found yourself picking up after everyone, washing his dishes or refilling his glass? Have you found yourself willingly following behind a man that you work with or being easily submissive, some would say overly submissive? Or maybe you have found yourself the opposite: completely despising the whole idea of serving a man at all. It makes you mad to even think about being submissive, whatever that means, or to get your brother a glass of water.

God made women to serve. He made us all to serve him, but he made woman for Adam because he needed help and because God’s image was not fully satisfied in Adam alone. There is another part to God that we continue to miss and that it the servant heart of God. God is a servant, that’s why He expects the same for us. God loves to do things for us; i.e. sending His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. If that isn’t a beautiful picture of service, I don’t know what is. He didn’t have to do it, but He did.

So it is no surprise that our adversary, the Devil, has done all he can to destroy the servant heart of the woman. He attacks us in one of two ways. First, there are some women who are considered “overly submissive.” These are the ones that wait on a dog hand and foot. Bringing him soda while he sits on the couch playing video games all day on top of paying all the bills, cooking the food that she bought and servicing him sexually any and every way all with not much of anything in return. This is Serving Sally. She is the woman who “takes care” of her man, doesn’t speak a word and never challenges him to do something with his life.

Then we have Dominant Debbie. She is Serving Sally’s best friend who is always telling her that she is NUTS for serving a man like that. Deb gets mad at the mere thought of serving a man in anyway. Sure, she wants to be married, she desires to be in a relationship, but submission? What is that? She will not, and I repeat will not submit to a man. No man is going to think that he is better than her just because she is a woman. Biblical womanhood is awesome and everything, but for Deb there is nothing wrong with compromising on submission.

The enemy wants to tell us, as women, that serving a man means you’re a slave. So we take it to the extreme. When you don’t know the purpose of something it leads to misuse, neglect or abuse. –John Eisenring. So because we do not understand the purpose of our role as women to serve a man’s vision, we don’t or we serve men with no vision.

God gave us the desire to serve so that it could primarily be fulfilled by Him. Once we learn how to serve and submit to the Holy Spirit, then and only then can we submit to our brothers, fathers and husbands with complete humility and purity.

There's A Story Behind My Praise

If anyone has ever been to New Covenant Church at any given service, you will know that I am a very...vibrant worshipper. I am no holds bar when it comes to worship. It has even earned me a mock video at the hands of the realTALK 807 house. It's pretty funny actually. Danger zone around me.

Yesterday I heard a new song called "There's a Story Behind My Praise" and it got me to thinking about Jesus and His awesomeness. It made me want to tell my story.

I was saved very young, but I was not discipled. I cannot remember a time where I wasn't convicted, where I didn't have fear of the Lord or I didn't know right from wrong. God has been near me my whole life. His favor, grace and mercy have been what's kept me, especially when I was in the world doing all kinds of things.

I have a big BIG heart. It has gotten me into a lot of situations and has caused a lot of hurt in my life not knowing how to guard it. I was the girl who got in trouble for hugging kids at school all the time. The girl who loved to death the friend who betrayed her constantly. The girl who cried at the drop of a hat. The girl who gave her heart to any and every boy who even smiled at her. My heart was huge and I wore it on my sleeve.

I can't honestly say that benefitted me at all in my past. I was hurt way more than I was accepted. At home I was often told I was too soft and not to wear my heart on my sleeve. Every time I loved with all my heart, I was rejected. From my dad, to boys, to my friends. No one ever loved me back and I couldn't understand why.

I often remember Jesus telling me that He loved me back, and more than any of them. But I couldn't part from my will. Don't get me wrong, my heart loved God, but I was too afraid to surrender. I was convinced that I would find the love I desired out there. That this guy or that guy would finally see me for who I was and love me back the way my father never did. I fell in love over and over and over again, I put myself out there, heart and all and it got broken every time. Every time.

I remember one day in the middle of my depression being hit in the face yet again with not being good enough for some boy, sitting in my room reading a Gideon Bible because I didn't know where mine was. I came across Isaiah 55 and God said, "This is for you, my love."

It reads:
Invitation to the Thirsty

1 “Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
2 Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.
3 Give ear and come to me;
listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
4 See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a ruler and commander of the peoples.
5 Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations you do not know will come running to you,
because of the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor.”
6 Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
7 Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

I cried a lot that day. I distinctively heard God calling me into relationship with Him and also into ministry. But it was too easy to stay where I was.

Upon surrendering my will to His, I realized that every amount of rejection I had felt in the area of love is what I was dishing back to God. As Dereck rejected my love, I rejected Jesus' love. As Ronnie rejected my love, I again rejected Jesus'. As Taj rejected my love, I rejected Jesus'. As my dad rejected my love, I rejected the perfect love of God. And here I was, whining because some guy didn't like me back when Jesus stinkin' DIED to show His love and that wasn't enough for me. I loved God, but not enough to give up my will.

There I was. Standing rejected, angry at those who rejected my whole-hearted love and affection claiming that I could love them more than any other girl. I could love them better. I would treat them better. When all along, I was the real rejecter. God was pursuing me, saying all the same things that I was saying, but with death and resurrection to back it up.

Now, I've fallen for real. I'm so in love with God it's inexpressible. THIS is why I look like a nut in worship. Worship is the time I get to tell God how much I love Him. How much I've always loved Him. It's my chance to say "I love You, too." He has given my oversized heart a home and I will never leave my first love again.

And I cannot worship hard enough
I cannot press my face into the ground far enough for you to see my gratitude
There’s no way my voice is loud enough to reach your heart and break the sound barriers of my sin
And still you invite me in.
Nothing feels like Your presence

Perfect

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17 (NIV)

This painting was done by one of my dearest friends, Jamie Williams.

As I meditated on this scripture and as it has been taught to me several times, I am always reminded that there are good gifts and there are perfect gifts. In life there is the perfect and there is the good. I believe that good is forever the enemy of perfect. One of the enemy's trickiest illusions is getting us to settle for the good when God intends for us to have the perfect. 

I have constantly experienced this in my own life. Recently, God has revealed to me that I was settling for good in many areas of my life. It's really pretty ridiculous.

I like to relate this concept to shopping, merely because I love to shop. When spending your own money, there are many things you will not settle for. If it's my money, I'm not going to buy something I don't like just because it's cheap. And I would never not buy something I loved and had the money for just because it's expensive. When it comes to my money, I'm just not down for settling on a purchase when I worked hard for the money I spend.

But why am I comfortable with settling when it comes to the gifts of the spirit or when it comes to my everyday Christian life?

I was stuck in goodness for so long. What is so deceiving about the trap of settling for the good is that  it's good! The stigma of Christian living has been minimized to getting by. Getting into heaven by the skim of your teeth. "Oh, Lord! If I could just make it in!"

Trash.

The heart of God is not that we barely make it into eternal dwelling but that we live victoriously and bear much fruit while on this earth. The mediocre defeated life of the American Christian is no longer enough for me. I had settled for a mediocre prayer life and a compromising spirit had attached itself to me when I bought into the lie of the enemy that perfect was not for me.

Today I ask you, along with me, to vow to never settle for less than what God has promised you. If the devil can't get you on his side, he will do everything he can to disable you on this side. Let's decide to live life to the fullest.

I Thought It Was Him

I've been single my entire life. Never once have I had a romantic relationship with anyone but the Lord. Every guy I ever liked never liked me that way. Straight friend zoned since I can remember. So being single is nothing new to me. I mean, when I began walking with the Lord, I thought SURELY it's my time to shine! I'ma get me a man NOW! Because CLEARLY all those guys from my past were just SHALLOW and now that I know men who really love the Lord, I'm bound to get chose for who I am.

After going through a lot of situations, I realized God did not bring me to Him just to ship me off to some man. So I committed myself to the Lord. My life, my purity, my everything became about Him. Being single was no burden to me as I muddled through pioneering a campus ministry, exploring my spiritual gifts and learning who I was in Christ. Getting me a man was the furthest thing from my mind. Until I got a scare in 2011. After that fiasco of realizing God really did have a husband for me, even though it wasn't who I thought it was, I went straight back to where I was before. There were guys I was interested in, but I really just wanted to focus on the Lord. Plus, there was way too much going on in my life to add any mess.

After changing colleges, losing my Aunt who was so dear to my heart, dealing with all the drama and loose ends in my family, living a whole semester with nowhere to live, no money and no food trying my hardest to stay obedient and in the will of God. After being drained to my core spiritually, emotionally and mentally I finally found myself back where my heart was, the university where it all began.

I was excited to reconnect with my spiritual family there and to use all of the training I had received to pour into girls with the love of Jesus. I was excited to be on my own and have peace where I knew I should be. I was even excited to go to class and turn over a new academic leaf and stand up for what I believed in all my liberal classes. I was excited and I knew I was where God told me to be!

My aunt always told me I live in my own little world. I've been dangerously optimistic my whole life. So it caught me completely off guard when lust hit me like a grenade in the face. I looked up and I was fighting my battles with only me and God for the first time in my life. It was hard. And getting harder everyday. I did pour into women consistently. But I quickly began drowning in my schoolwork because I was overcome with spiritual battles that I didn't know how to fight on my own.

But there he was. Like a refreshing spring making me laugh. I didn't even know him. I didn't remember meeting him. I had no idea who he was or where he came from. But he was so chill. And in my world where I was stressing out about every little thing, he leveled me out and reminded me to trust God. He made me want to know God more, read my Word, and my care for him drove me to the place of prayer constantly. God began to speak to me about him and his future. And people began to speak a relationship between us into existence. In the beginning, it never crossed my mind that I would be with a guy like him. But I prayed that if this was God's will He would open my eyes. And soon I began to see more in him than he even saw in himself. It was overwhelming.

We would text constantly, night or day, rain or shine. He seemed happy to go out of his way to stay in communication with me even when I didn't have a phone. I still didn't share as much with him as he shared with me, but my heart began to tie to his to my ignorance. 

There were a few times where I got overwhelmed with my feelings of impatience, yearning, jealousy even. But any time I tried to disconnect I found myself returning within days. I couldn't get away from the dreams, the praying for him all the time or the intense draw I felt to help him fulfill the call of God on his life. Eventually, I began to let go and share my heart with who seemed to be my only friend. In attempt to not shut down emotionally, I let him see depths of me just as freshly as God was showing them to me. Everything he shared with me seemed to be evidence of an important position I held in his life. He would send me every lyric he wrote. He would consult me about major decisions. He didn't record a song without sending it to me personally as soon as the producer finished.

Deeper than that was knowing that no matter what happened, what feelings came or went, I couldn't run from the draw I had to the call of God on his life. Every time he took a new step in pursuing his mission, I would overwhelm with pride and joy. Seeing him succeed made me so happy. Still kind of does. I thought, "This has to be God, he just can't see me yet. But he will soon. Just be patient."

Every time I wanted to confront him, it was out of a place of anger or fear. The Lord spoke to me and said I could only talk to him if I did it out of faith. The same week I got set free from all the rejection I experienced from guys growing up. Guys like him who dared to be my best friend but nothing more. Three days later God told me it was time. I got so excited. I thought he was finally going to see me and confess his love for me. That I was the one he chose. But the very opposite happened. He confessed that I was no more than a sister in his eyes. By biggest fear came to fruition.

God is teaching me a very humbling lesson. That it is ignorant to think you will go through this world and never get hurt. It's in the Bible. {“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33} God is teaching me that guarding my heart doesn't mean putting up walls. I am not at all saying I did everything right. I did a lot of wrong things. I shared my treasures to a man who was in no place to cherish them. I opened my heart to someone who could not protect it. I gave away a small part of me.

I'm not one to say it just wasn't God's will. Or to say if it were meant to be it would be. I'm no one to say that I wish I wouldn't have done it. Or that I should have been more wise. I'm not one to say any of those things. What I do know is that in the midst of my heartbreak, God already knew. He already knew. Despite my choices or his. No matter if we were "meant" to be or if I just imagined the whole thing. God knew. And heartbreak on this side of new life is not near as gut wrenching as the many heartbreaks I experienced before Jesus. 

I cannot say whether or not we will end up together. Or whether or not I even want that. But I can say I do not regret loving with my whole heart and not hiding for once in my life. I do not regret being who God made me to be with no fear. I do not feel as if I wasted my time and prayers and emotions. 

Guarding your heart does not consist of putting up the Great Wall of China to every man in the room. And neither does it mean sitting up texting a boy all day who has made no commitment to you. Stay focused on Christ and all of your emotions, your heart, your life will focus itself on Him as well.