After going through a lot of situations, I realized God did not bring me to Him just to ship me off to some man. So I committed myself to the Lord. My life, my purity, my everything became about Him. Being single was no burden to me as I muddled through pioneering a campus ministry, exploring my spiritual gifts and learning who I was in Christ. Getting me a man was the furthest thing from my mind. Until I got a scare in 2011. After that fiasco of realizing God really did have a husband for me, even though it wasn't who I thought it was, I went straight back to where I was before. There were guys I was interested in, but I really just wanted to focus on the Lord. Plus, there was way too much going on in my life to add any mess.
After changing colleges, losing my Aunt who was so dear to my heart, dealing with all the drama and loose ends in my family, living a whole semester with nowhere to live, no money and no food trying my hardest to stay obedient and in the will of God. After being drained to my core spiritually, emotionally and mentally I finally found myself back where my heart was, the university where it all began.
I was excited to reconnect with my spiritual family there and to use all of the training I had received to pour into girls with the love of Jesus. I was excited to be on my own and have peace where I knew I should be. I was even excited to go to class and turn over a new academic leaf and stand up for what I believed in all my liberal classes. I was excited and I knew I was where God told me to be!
My aunt always told me I live in my own little world. I've been dangerously optimistic my whole life. So it caught me completely off guard when lust hit me like a grenade in the face. I looked up and I was fighting my battles with only me and God for the first time in my life. It was hard. And getting harder everyday. I did pour into women consistently. But I quickly began drowning in my schoolwork because I was overcome with spiritual battles that I didn't know how to fight on my own.
But there he was. Like a refreshing spring making me laugh. I didn't even know him. I didn't remember meeting him. I had no idea who he was or where he came from. But he was so chill. And in my world where I was stressing out about every little thing, he leveled me out and reminded me to trust God. He made me want to know God more, read my Word, and my care for him drove me to the place of prayer constantly. God began to speak to me about him and his future. And people began to speak a relationship between us into existence. In the beginning, it never crossed my mind that I would be with a guy like him. But I prayed that if this was God's will He would open my eyes. And soon I began to see more in him than he even saw in himself. It was overwhelming.
We would text constantly, night or day, rain or shine. He seemed happy to go out of his way to stay in communication with me even when I didn't have a phone. I still didn't share as much with him as he shared with me, but my heart began to tie to his to my ignorance.
There were a few times where I got overwhelmed with my feelings of impatience, yearning, jealousy even. But any time I tried to disconnect I found myself returning within days. I couldn't get away from the dreams, the praying for him all the time or the intense draw I felt to help him fulfill the call of God on his life. Eventually, I began to let go and share my heart with who seemed to be my only friend. In attempt to not shut down emotionally, I let him see depths of me just as freshly as God was showing them to me. Everything he shared with me seemed to be evidence of an important position I held in his life. He would send me every lyric he wrote. He would consult me about major decisions. He didn't record a song without sending it to me personally as soon as the producer finished.
Deeper than that was knowing that no matter what happened, what feelings came or went, I couldn't run from the draw I had to the call of God on his life. Every time he took a new step in pursuing his mission, I would overwhelm with pride and joy. Seeing him succeed made me so happy. Still kind of does. I thought, "This has to be God, he just can't see me yet. But he will soon. Just be patient."
Every time I wanted to confront him, it was out of a place of anger or fear. The Lord spoke to me and said I could only talk to him if I did it out of faith. The same week I got set free from all the rejection I experienced from guys growing up. Guys like him who dared to be my best friend but nothing more. Three days later God told me it was time. I got so excited. I thought he was finally going to see me and confess his love for me. That I was the one he chose. But the very opposite happened. He confessed that I was no more than a sister in his eyes. By biggest fear came to fruition.
God is teaching me a very humbling lesson. That it is ignorant to think you will go through this world and never get hurt. It's in the Bible. {“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33} God is teaching me that guarding my heart doesn't mean putting up walls. I am not at all saying I did everything right. I did a lot of wrong things. I shared my treasures to a man who was in no place to cherish them. I opened my heart to someone who could not protect it. I gave away a small part of me.
I'm not one to say it just wasn't God's will. Or to say if it were meant to be it would be. I'm no one to say that I wish I wouldn't have done it. Or that I should have been more wise. I'm not one to say any of those things. What I do know is that in the midst of my heartbreak, God already knew. He already knew. Despite my choices or his. No matter if we were "meant" to be or if I just imagined the whole thing. God knew. And heartbreak on this side of new life is not near as gut wrenching as the many heartbreaks I experienced before Jesus.
I cannot say whether or not we will end up together. Or whether or not I even want that. But I can say I do not regret loving with my whole heart and not hiding for once in my life. I do not regret being who God made me to be with no fear. I do not feel as if I wasted my time and prayers and emotions.
Guarding your heart does not consist of putting up the Great Wall of China to every man in the room. And neither does it mean sitting up texting a boy all day who has made no commitment to you. Stay focused on Christ and all of your emotions, your heart, your life will focus itself on Him as well.
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