1.18.2012

I found this on my laptop that I wrote over a year ago! I finished it up and decided to share.  

As I walk through the campus of Stephen F. Austin State University I breathe in the peace that I so missed. I never thought I would be back here. Not just here, at SFA, but here, in this peace and joy. I finally found where I belong.

It may sound odd that I would feel the peace of God walking through such a secular campus, but I do. I feel God here with me. All of a sudden, trotting through campus all on my own, eating lunch all on my own, sitting at Starbucks all on my own, I am majestically aware of the fact that God really is with me. Everywhere I go. Wherever I go. He is right here. I’m never alone.

I was reading Captivating this morning and John Eldredge shared an amazing revelation he had in the midst of a deep group conversation with the men and women of his ministry. The women who lead his ministry, who are amazing women of faith, who spend time with God regularly, who lead other women into divine romances with Jesus, who are in fulfilling relationships with their husbands and other women confessed that they feel all alone in life. This is the attack of the enemy on women today. He wants to convince us that we are all alone in this. John said the enemy wants to convince us that no one will ever come for us.

This hit my heart like a boulder. He said to ask ourselves have ever or do we currently feel that way. As I asked myself this question, I kept getting a ‘no’. Then I felt like that was such a cookie cutter answer. But it is my answer. It is my answer now. But oh have I felt like that in the past. In fact, I was so convinced that my prince would never come that I settled not to get married altogether. Expectations are the root of all disappointment, so I deleted my expectation for a husband. I had convinced myself that I was satisfied with Jesus. I didn’t even want a husband much less need one.

In reality, I was crying out on the inside. The enemy had fed me lies through my wounds and experiences. I didn’t believe I was beautiful. I didn’t believe I was good enough. I didn’t believe anyone would ever want me. My own father didn’t want me, so why would any man?

This all came to light on the morning that followed the second dream in a month I had about my wedding. On top of that, I woke up and this man was on my brain and I could not stop thinking about him. When I prayed, I felt like God was telling me this man was my husband. I called my spiritual leader, who didn’t have time to meet with me for five days, so I was stuck with thinking this thing and no clue what to do. Eventually I began to accept the lie as truth because of signs I prayed for that appeared. When I finally met with my leader, she called out the lie, but I didn’t believe her. (That’s a whole different lesson on spiritual authority)

Therefore, I went three entire months believing that this man was my husband and God was preparing me for a relationship with him. Thank God for his grace during the time I was deceived. This was a season where I was forced to confront issues in my life that I had never even thought about. Such as being good enough for a man, a great man who was leading a ministry and pursing God with unrelenting passion. How could I ever be good enough for anyone, but him? I was dumbfounded as to why God would match me with someone so great. I was not amazed at God’s goodness; I was ashamed that I was not good enough.

I was already spending consistent time with God, but at this point I became militant. I had to get good enough in time. I had to work out my issues in time. I had to get pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, godly enough before I was exposed as the ugly woman I believed I really was.

God revealed to me that I didn’t think I was beautiful. I knew that God thought I was beautiful, that my family and friends thought so, that the women I ministered to even believed it; but I didn’t. It was one of those “Well of course God thinks I’m beautiful, He made me!” type situations. I loved that God called me beautiful; but I couldn’t imagine a human male delighting in me. I was afraid my husband wouldn’t think I was beautiful.

So I prayed and I read the Bible and I read and reread Captivating until God showed me the root of my insecurity.

I was nine years old when I first met my cousins who lived in a different state. They came to visit and played a lot with my brother and I while they were down. Once we were in the bedroom hanging out and the boy, who was maybe my age or a little older, and I pretended to be boyfriend and girlfriend. He then suggested that we have sex. Where he got the idea, I have no clue, but even at nine years old it was not a foreign concept to me. I was reluctant; but once he assured me that I would be beautiful if I did it I consented.

He got on top of me between my legs. I was pretty scared, but I wanted so badly to be beautiful. Once I felt his pelvis against mine, I quickly came to my senses and pushed him away. He yelled at me calling me ugly. He said I was a beast and no boy would ever want me.

I had no clue the effect that lie had on me, or that I even believed it. But I did. I carried that lie with me for the rest of my life believing that no guy would think I was beautiful. No one would ever want me. And it proved true time and time again. My father left shortly after that. He didn’t want me. Every guy that I ever loved didn’t love me back. I fell in love with my best friend; he fell in love with everyone but me. I fell in love with another boy in high school, he not only didn’t want me -- he hated me. I was desperate for love, desperate for attention, desperate for my question to be answered “yes” but all I ever got was a cold, hard “No.”

While going through this I decided to delve into the issue of beauty. Why is this a big deal? Why do I even care? Because I had a beauty to unveil and every time I let it out, I was horribly rejected. It seemed that the lie my cousin fed to me was true time and time again. It continued to be reinforced in my life and it was killing who God created me to be. I was afraid: afraid that I wasn’t beautiful and afraid that it would be exposed.

But God.

I can’t tell you how, and I can’t tell you when. But I do know that in the presence of God is where my beauty was affirmed, confirmed and released. I always thought I would have to hear a man tell me I was beautiful for it to really click. But when I was at a women’s retreat on Identity with my church is when God solidified my beautiful identity in Him. All of a sudden I knew I was beautiful within the depths of my soul. So that when my brothers in Christ started to confirm it with their words, I received it as that. A confirmation. Not a verdict.

If you are feeling ugly. If you have a story like mine. If you don’t know that you ARE beautiful, I plead with you to seek the face of God. The more you see of Him the more you will realize how made in His image you really are. I pray that God will show each of you how you are a part of His precious heart on this earth. And what is more beautiful than the heart of God?