There's A Story Behind My Praise

If anyone has ever been to New Covenant Church at any given service, you will know that I am a very...vibrant worshipper. I am no holds bar when it comes to worship. It has even earned me a mock video at the hands of the realTALK 807 house. It's pretty funny actually. Danger zone around me.

Yesterday I heard a new song called "There's a Story Behind My Praise" and it got me to thinking about Jesus and His awesomeness. It made me want to tell my story.

I was saved very young, but I was not discipled. I cannot remember a time where I wasn't convicted, where I didn't have fear of the Lord or I didn't know right from wrong. God has been near me my whole life. His favor, grace and mercy have been what's kept me, especially when I was in the world doing all kinds of things.

I have a big BIG heart. It has gotten me into a lot of situations and has caused a lot of hurt in my life not knowing how to guard it. I was the girl who got in trouble for hugging kids at school all the time. The girl who loved to death the friend who betrayed her constantly. The girl who cried at the drop of a hat. The girl who gave her heart to any and every boy who even smiled at her. My heart was huge and I wore it on my sleeve.

I can't honestly say that benefitted me at all in my past. I was hurt way more than I was accepted. At home I was often told I was too soft and not to wear my heart on my sleeve. Every time I loved with all my heart, I was rejected. From my dad, to boys, to my friends. No one ever loved me back and I couldn't understand why.

I often remember Jesus telling me that He loved me back, and more than any of them. But I couldn't part from my will. Don't get me wrong, my heart loved God, but I was too afraid to surrender. I was convinced that I would find the love I desired out there. That this guy or that guy would finally see me for who I was and love me back the way my father never did. I fell in love over and over and over again, I put myself out there, heart and all and it got broken every time. Every time.

I remember one day in the middle of my depression being hit in the face yet again with not being good enough for some boy, sitting in my room reading a Gideon Bible because I didn't know where mine was. I came across Isaiah 55 and God said, "This is for you, my love."

It reads:
Invitation to the Thirsty

1 “Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
2 Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.
3 Give ear and come to me;
listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
4 See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a ruler and commander of the peoples.
5 Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations you do not know will come running to you,
because of the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor.”
6 Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
7 Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

I cried a lot that day. I distinctively heard God calling me into relationship with Him and also into ministry. But it was too easy to stay where I was.

Upon surrendering my will to His, I realized that every amount of rejection I had felt in the area of love is what I was dishing back to God. As Dereck rejected my love, I rejected Jesus' love. As Ronnie rejected my love, I again rejected Jesus'. As Taj rejected my love, I rejected Jesus'. As my dad rejected my love, I rejected the perfect love of God. And here I was, whining because some guy didn't like me back when Jesus stinkin' DIED to show His love and that wasn't enough for me. I loved God, but not enough to give up my will.

There I was. Standing rejected, angry at those who rejected my whole-hearted love and affection claiming that I could love them more than any other girl. I could love them better. I would treat them better. When all along, I was the real rejecter. God was pursuing me, saying all the same things that I was saying, but with death and resurrection to back it up.

Now, I've fallen for real. I'm so in love with God it's inexpressible. THIS is why I look like a nut in worship. Worship is the time I get to tell God how much I love Him. How much I've always loved Him. It's my chance to say "I love You, too." He has given my oversized heart a home and I will never leave my first love again.

And I cannot worship hard enough
I cannot press my face into the ground far enough for you to see my gratitude
There’s no way my voice is loud enough to reach your heart and break the sound barriers of my sin
And still you invite me in.
Nothing feels like Your presence